where was that?

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

glutton for punishment

I have to start questioning my own sanity when i read through 200 pages of notes from  my doctor that do not reflect anything i remember telling her,contain erroneous errors of time and dates,and ultimately say without saying that she's been placating me for the last almost two years.
I'd rather buy nail polish than go to my doctors appointments, except  i'm out of three of my meds and can. in two days feel the pain and the heart pounding and the anxiety building and the fear making me shut down. Howis this possible,i can't leave my safety bubble, and won't let anyone in to it.
I never go anywhere that i could wear the nail polish,it's just the latest in  my endless list of fleeting obsessions.
I'm back at the point where i want to leave, so i need to  find a place where it's worth leaving to...
I'm sick of being alone, and at the same time i don't want anyone near me.
I guess I'm so fucking messed up from theYeti breaking my heart, destroying my trust and faith, that i'm just finished with even trying to invest in people, and even myself, the people i've let get close to me continue to hurt me, the people i've  loved my entire life hurt me.

But nail polish,well that's easy, put it on take it off, it's never perfect,but that's ok.

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